STORYTELLING UNIT: SCRIPT EDITING

While writing my script I asked my tutors Steve and Simon for some feedback on the structure of certain parts of my script. With Steve I asked for feedback and his opinion on the opening scene of my script. This is the original opening for my script.

1 EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT 1

        James and Lily are stood at the side of a
        country road. A car at the side parked with
        the bonnet open.

                            LILY
                       (Shouting)

                  Why are you always treating me like a kid?

                            JAMES
                       (Shouting)

                  Because you are one! All you do is
                  piss about and go behind my back

                            LILY
                  All I want is a bit of freedom,

                  just to start growing up! Why are
                  you like this? I HATE YOU!

                            JAMES
                  Don’t talk to me like that! As long

                  as you’re under my roof you’ll
                  listen to me!

                            LILY
                  Piss off I’m going

        Lily runs off crying.

                            JAMES
                  Lily, Get back here.

        Lily ignores and continues to run, James calms down. He
        looks up to the sky.

                            JAMES
                  Cara, baby, Why can’t you be here?

        He looks back to Lily running away

                            JAMES
                  You were always better at talking to her.

        James rubs his thumb against his wedding ring, he closes his
        eyes for a moment to remember his wife. He looks up to Lily
        running and begins to run after her

                            JAMES
                       (while running)

                  Lily, Come back, we need to stay
                  with the car, Lily!

I chose to jump right into the action for the opening of the script and start with the middle and the highest point of the argument between the Father and Daughter to grab the audiences attention straight away. Make them question what's going on and then go to the actual beginning of the story and leave the audience on a cliff hanger. My inspiration for this idea came from a mixture of short films I watched including the classic Quentin Tarantino movie 'Pulp Fiction'. The short films also include 'Tangents' and 'Inevitable'. Tangents gave me the idea of showing the beginning an argument at the beginning of a film and then showing the resolve at the end. We are almost taken on a trip, although in that film the couple argue constantly through it. I chose to take the audience on a journey but give them the argument straight away and keep them at the edge of their seats. Pulp Fiction was my main inspiration for this choice as that also starts with the beginning and its gives the audience something to follow to. They know what's coming but will have questions like "how did they end up there?", "why are they at that place?", etc. and then the film slowly answers their questions. Inevitable really only helped me with the idea of the structure. This is what I watched and gave me the idea to do it non-linear.
When I showed this scene to Steve, he told me that the scene worked but suggested to make the argument more relevant to something actually happening. The argument currently is very stereotypical to see between a parent and child and isn't really something that would grab the audience. Steve suggested making it relevant to something that's happened, make the Daughter do something and thats what makes the Father start shouting and arguing and causes the argument. He suggested she tries to help with the engine, maybe grabs something from inside the car or from the engine, this then kicks off the conflict and makes it more relevant to the story and makes the script more original.
After writing more of my script, I showed it to Simon and asked for feedback. I was told that I needed to describe the characters more. So rather than "James and Lily are stood at the side of a country road. A car at the side parked with the bonnet open." The script needs to have more information about the characters, not huge detail but enough so that we can get a sense of what the characters look like and the surroundings. So how old are the characters? How are they dressed? With the car, what sort of car is it? I then made the opening action "James, mid 30’s, casual, and Lily, 16, casual, are stood at the side of the road. An average family car at the side parked with the bonnet open." which gives more detail for the scene and the characters. As well as this Simon said the section where Jame's speaks to himself and people don't actually do that. What would be better is to have him show his sadness and that he misses his wife through action, again with that rule "show, don't tell". As well, I was told that I need to lead up to the argument, at the current moment my characters are just constantly arguing and not developing as the script goes. What I did was added in a scene where we see the Father coming ti get Lily from the party and from the beginning we see the Father being calm and Lily being a 'brat' as she gets called and then leaded up to the development of the argument. The scene I added was this:

2 EXT. HOUSE - DUSK (EARLIER THAT EVENING).

2

        James is knocking on the door of a house. We hear load music
        coming from inside. Jason, 17, rugged and drunk, opens the
        door.

                            JASON
                       (slurred)

        Oi oi.

                            JAMES
                  Is Lily here?

        Jason looks up and down at James then turns around.

                            JASON
                  Lily, I think your dads here.

        Jason turns back to James.

                            JASON (CONT’D)
                       (giggling)

                  You’re pretty old.

        James ignores Jason. Lily comes out from the house and walks
        past both of them looking angry. James turns to her.

                            JAMES
                  Lily d’you want to get any foo...

                            LILY
                       (cutting across)

                  No.

        Lily gets in the car and puts her headphones on. James walks
        over to the car, gets in, starts the engine and drives off.

A very simple scene which takes us to the very beginning and shows why the characters are driving and what has happened to lead them to that situation. Finally I made the end of the first scene much more dramatic by having James scream Lily's name and then cut. This was to cut on what could be a car coming to hit her and something to really keep the audience keen and question whats happened.