After making my second draft of my script 'Broken', I looked over it again and made some changes again to bits I felt needed changing. Firstly I showed my tutor Simon my new scene in my second draft, the scene where we see the party, and he suggested that I could word the actions of the party different and make it more simple. Below on the left is the second draft and on the right is the new third draft of the scene.
As you can see, it still tells us the same information about the scene but in a much more simple way. Without having to explain every single detail of the scene which isn't even that long. As well as this I also changed one of James's lines because it was also overly long and didn't need to be. The line I changed is below:
What I saw was that James already explains all that by showing Lily the photo, we can tell that he has carried that photo since the funeral and that he has been trying to stay strong. So instead I made it much simpler and changed it to this:
This again makes it much simpler and works better for the screen. The final change I made in this draft was when James gets signal on his phone. I wanted to have a moment between the characters, the phone has just gotten signal as they've just reconnected as Father and Daughter, it's a lovely moment in the script that I want to hold for a little longer. so I rewrote it to this:
I just wanted to hold this moment a little longer and make it more emotional for the audience as this is such an important moment in the script.
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