STORYTELLING UNIT: REWRITING SCRIPT (2ND DRAFT)

After receiving my feedback for my script from Steve Coombs I went on to rewrite my script. Working from the feedback and also making changes that I wanted to make myself as well.

Scenes 6-9
These were the biggest changes to my script that I made. With the final scene being completely re-written and made into 2 separate scenes.
Firstly with scene 6 in my first draft, this is where Lily and James are walking back to the car after having a big heart to heart conversation and sorting out everything. This scene can be seen below:

In the previous scene, Jame's and Lily have a really long conversation and everything comes out. Steve suggested that this could be done over a few scenes and actually having the final line of scene 5 as "I just miss her" and then going onto the next scene with them both walking back to the car together and then carry on her dialogue from that scene, that way it's broken up and works better for the story. The new scene 6 and 7 looks like this:

I feel that this works better for the script and helps lead up to the make up between the characters. It also helps slowly tell the audience. As well as this Steve also noted that the wedding ring which James always kisses is very obvious to what it represents and also that no-on really kisses a ring, he suggested that he just rubs the ring instead to make it more realistic and subtle as well. Below is an example of what the action looks like now in the 2nd draft:

The cut between scene 1 and 2 was something else I changed. I didn't like the fact that Jame's screams 'LILY' but when we get back later, we see that nothing serious was happening, to me this just didn't make sense. So I decided to have James rubbing the wedding ring at the end of scene 1 and then doing the same at the beginning or scene 2 which would cut into each other nicely I feel works much better in the script.

Also, I added in a new scene after scene 2, where we actually see James go into the house and get Lily, so we actually see the party because we can then see the humiliation on her face as you would have if a parent came to get you from a party which you weren't allowed to be at.

This is only a short scene but it helps to show what Lily has been doing to make James drive over to get her and helps the audience go to James's side which is what I want until he over reacts to Lily trying to help him later.

Finally, I completely changed the ending of the script since it just didn't make sense. I added in that James ends up getting signal back after him and Lily make up which I feel works really nicely, and then cut the character 'Michael' since he just wasn't needed in the script and changed it so that there was an AA breakdown man that comes to get them which works better for the script and would make far more sense. I then made the final scene the two characters in the AA van being driven home and Lily holding the photo that James showed her as well as her looking into her locket and finally decided to have James rubbing his wedding ring again as if to tell his wife that it's been fixed.